Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Unknown

Tonight a girlfriend said something to me that resonated deep within me. She said "I'd rather experience the unknown than stay in unhappiness." I share similar beliefs...

However, sometimes life encourages you to stay in something (be it at job, a relationship, friendships, et al) as a way to love, learn more or bring you a new perspective on an old lesson. And yet sometimes you even encourage yourself to stay in a situation in fear of losing control or giving up an investment. There's a lot of sometimes. Luckily, all situations are particularly unique and personal...but what remains is the choice.

Dictate your own life because you only have one. I've always been attracted and an advocate of the unknown primarily because it was my thrill and adventure. Thus far, I've not jumped out of an airplane because I was thrust already into the deep end of the pool. As years go by, the word "attachment" to various commitments and goals have lingered over my head as "responsibility" and "freedom" seem to teeter on both sides of the see-saw.


Yet what is audible to your adult heart is the same sound you heard as a child.


I like the unknown. And if you're truly unhappy and unsatisfied, I encourage you to take "the path less traveled by" like my dear poet Robert Frost advised.


It may not be popular. It may be judged as selfish. It may be labeled like "divorce, loser, flake." So be it. It's just conventional rules. Rules set forth by a generation, a society, your upbringing. But rules nonetheless. It's no one's fault. Only yours if you stay in dissastisfaction. That's not to be said there will never be compromise, but leap if you dare to conquer your dreams.

And when you are leaving that job, that lover, that life...I pray for you to have someone that also honors not only you but the unknown too. Because then you can leave with the truth that a life was there and not scratched out.

I'm in the unknown...and truth be told despite my pangs of worry sometimes (of my age, my status, my toys; things so very trivial it bears no mind), I am truly a teenager happy to have it.

Too idealistic for you, reader? Perhaps. However, I've learned so much in the course of 10 years that I'm just now having the reigns on who I am, what I want and where I'm going...in the way that far exceeds my outlines, Blackberry schedule, 50 year life plan. It's something internal that has to do with accepting yourself, letting go of internal shame and giving up rules that were never your own. And once you have those philosophies within, then enjoying the unknown becomes even more joyous.

Walk in the pitch dark and find your way to the door. Blind yourself in the woods to hear all the sweet noises. Paint a canvas with all your desired colors and then fall into it.


Can I tell you a secret? There is nothing ever unknown because you have everything to know by using your strength, intellect, experience and an unlimited love for yourself through the highs and lows. This is your reserve, and everyone has it. So all in all, I am certain the unknown will bring you happiness if you just give yourself some faith and no judgment.

As for now, I plan to explore the unknown in my dreams...goodnight. :)

xo,
Jo


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

WATER TO RINSE: a poem...

WATER TO RINSE

From the tub surface, water streams down in rivulets.
Drops collide, form together and separate.
They fall across my extended legs; a canvas of skin to cover.
Heat rises in my knee caps and to my toes.
The water is an unknown painter and draws with the color of red.
But I am blanketed by the degree.
Such a small frame I am I notice.
Remembering at five with a sponge bath and a rubber ducky.

Then, I sweep my soapy hand across my breast.
I am a woman, creating bubbles on my epidermal layered heart.
Counting the years the last time someone took their time to make love to me...
And the genuine moment I let them.

So petite I sit as the shower head towers above me.
I look up, closing my eyes to let the steamy water hit my face.
I see Cocoa Beach, wild waves and the thunderous blow that pushes me back to the shore.
Opening my eyes mid-stream as hydrogen and oxygen sting across my pupils,
Enjoying the sensation like a kid banishing goggles to explore the true nature of the pool.

A rub down across my shoulders ensues by the pelting rain that I not only sense inside this bath,
but hear also outside my apartment window.
In a half hour, I've been engulfed in a heated womb.
Taking me to the lake day. I was in a cocoon, sleeping in a canoe under the hot Florida sun.

I am showered. I am clean, but I sit still and listen.
Like a school fish frenzy, the water splashes up, down, across, all around.
I breathe in the calm and imagine the aroma of those rose petals,
placed years ago in another tub to wash away tears of heartbreak.

Now I've got myself a new tub with a glorious waterfall,
but no fall I will take as I am safe.
So when I rose, turned off the water and stood naked,
I felt rinsed and fully understood the beating of my own heart.

Johanna Vanderspool
February 15, 2011

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