To Witness a Life
Who witnesses you?The new year often brings great reflection. Resolutions, regrets, goals, to-dos, bucket lists, who's in your life, who's not...perhaps prodding yourself to ask the pivotal questions of who you are and what you want...
Through the trainers at my gym I overhear them gripe about their decrease in clientele. They say there's always an increase in gym memberships right after New Years Day but by the end of the month, the gym is empty again. The only attendance are those that never had resolutions to be at the gym in the first place. These remaining few are the true gym brats.
Now that it's the end of the year, I am not scrolling through my roll call of resolutions (although I may have a few). I am thinking about the word "witness." Fortunately, I have only known a handful of loved ones that have died: Charlie, Eddie, Granddaddy, Grandma and Rudy. I can add another to this experience, even though I couldn't say we knew each other as well as we would have liked. Two days ago, my great grandmother passed. Fortunately, she died quickly and peacefully. She was "witnessed", supported and loved for many years by my Grandma Ellen and Aunt Jackie. As she died, she was surrounded by family. "Family" has always been a curious word and concept for me in particular because I'm adopted. So many questions arise through adoption that many will never know or understand. People may take their families for granted, and so often do. Given my great stake in family and what I've been challenged to experience, I've taken great interest in relationships; all kinds because it is in these personal connections that tell you most about who you are and what you want.
Upon graduation, I moved to NYC to conquer my dreams. At the time I wanted to be the CEO of an entertainment company, a media mogul. I wanted to accomplish something amazing and leave my mark on the world. I paid little mind to personal relationships, although I was fortunate to have a few. So, what happened? Why am I not the CEO of NBC? Let's just say New York City can humble a girl, even a girl like me. And after 9/11, my career values radically changed. What was my life to NBC? So what if I became the next Oprah? Many accomplished people died on September 11th, and I sincerely doubt upon the moment of death they thought about what their time at XYZ company meant to them. I'm guessing they thought of their loved ones and who had actually witnessed their life. For the first time, I truly examined the words "witness" and "family." I was 24.
Perhaps too proud or still quite young or too attached to living in the now, in only two short years I quickly reverted to my habits of hustling and ambitiously conquering career goals. If life is so darn short, why not make my mark on the world, I debated? Not to say there is anything wrong with that, nor would I say it is characteristically unlike me even now...
However after living on my own for 16 years, I've been thinking a lot about the word to "witness." Recently, I witnessed someone's life. Day in day out. Nearly every moment. My reward included a secret society of two. It was divine to share this time. Yes, tough at times but blissful. Some people who know me well or for a very long time may consider me a lone wolf; a person who only showed people what I wanted them to know; an independent gal to her own detriment at times; a woman who ran away from most relationships. Look, I will always be career oriented. I doubt I could ever be content in being only a wife, a mother...because perhaps it still means something to me to make a mark on history (or I'm just too darn curious about too many things to stay put!). Optimistically, that's not to say you can't have it all, but something always is going to give. We're so busy making and accomplishing grand plans. Sometimes, these plans are resolutions that are met and sometimes not. To those zen enough to make no plans, I congratulate you but I doubt you can bate the one certain plan...
Death will make you stop. It stops me to listen. Listen to the silence. It's loud, isn't it? Perhaps I now enjoy the loud chatter of others. Perhaps I now can handle the journey not alone. I used to believe it's just damn easier being solo. No one to attend to; no one to annoy you; no one to challenge you; no one but your dependable self. Adventure freely because there aint nothing holding you down. Though a lot of that mentality is still oh-so-true, I take great comfort in the fact I've learned to attach myself. Maybe it's the biggest accomplishment I've ever had to date. To fully commit, to share yourself; every morsel of you, good and bad. It's something I've always been afraid of doing. Confession: I still plot disappearing acts with great joy; and it still freaks me out when people invite me to their weddings. The former cynic in me often shudders at the idea of monogamy and how that might limit my life. But no, I don't take being grounded/making roots/sharing my life without editing to mean being imprisoned. Now I see your eyes, ears and presence like an invisible carpet ride to wherever I want to go. I announce: ground me, witness me...this will set me free...this has set me free.
To those that witness me, I thank you...and I hope I witness and truly invest in you as much as you invest in me (or more). Equally, I hope I make good history in your life...you are my family. Without you, I haven't grown.
Rest in peace, Granny Griffey. You may be gone from this world but you will always be loved.
Johanna
posted by Only The Lonely @ 11:34 PM
